Uh huh.

As a child, I learnt that you can't have everything. You can't have all the toys, or the icecream that you could scoop out from vats at your disposal. Sometimes I watched from afar as two of some of the joys of my preteen age -a swimming pool and an ice cream bar next to each other, the funny thing- were unaccessible to me.

Sometimes I saw my friends get better presents than me on a hot, Christmas day, comparing their gifts with each other, whilst I would keep to myself, bringing up different topics. I secretly blamed my parents, for not getting me what I wished for. I found the seemingly third-rate items gift-wrapped not to my liking, and I was disappointed on occasion.

Sometimes, I would get whipped, spanked, whacked, rapped on the head, belted, caned and all other forms of physical punishment short of being abused. I felt sad, and cried more than once, not because of the pain that I received. That was merely secondary. It was the concept of having it dished to me, the act of it coming to me, like how prophets of doom fear the Armageddon, only that I would receive it. My father's (and on some occasion, my mother) anger struck fear into my heart more than anything else, so much so that when he asked me once what it was that I feared the most. Out of fear (as I had just been beaten a little while before), I responded that I feared death, because I feared getting beaten for the wrong answer.

It is of no secret that I am a creature that longs for attention of others, which is perhaps why I repeat my phrases every once in a while to attain a response from others, lest they ignore me and think nothing of me. As many others, I crave attention, yet I have the longing of being a loner, one who remains in the shadows, yet is not far from the minds of others. To be far away in solitude, I sometimes seek, yet to be in the centre of the crowd, mingling and so forth.

Just random thoughts.


Currently listening to: Loreena McKennit - Cymbeline